Embracing Acceptance

“It becomes easier for me to accept myself as a decidedly imperfect person, who by no means functions at all times in the way in which I would like to function. This must seem to some like a very strange direction in which to move.  It seems to me to have value because the curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I change."

~Carl Rogers

”Embrace the Suck,” meaning accepting the pain for future benefit and appreciating that it’s unpleasant but unavoidable to move forward, is a phrase we runners use often.

Acceptance is a powerful and essential concept that plays a significant role in our personal growth, relationships, and overall well-being. It involves acknowledging and embracing reality, people, situations, and even ourselves as they are, without judgment or resistance.

Acceptance, in Buddhist terms, refers to your ability to stay present. When life presents you with something painful and not pleasurable, the mind’s tendency is to resist, avoid, change, or generally push against it.

No one likes feeling depressed. Rather than accepting that this is what’s here, you might engage in various strategies to try and change your feelings.

Ironically, resisting a thought or feeling only makes it worse. So, in order to experience and potentially change anything, you must “say yes.” lean in, and simply let go of the effort and energy of trying to resist reality.

What It’s Not

There’s a common misconception that acceptance is synonymous with resignation.

Whatever the weather may be today, be it sunny or rainy, no good comes from being mad about it or resigning yourself to a bad day. It just is. There is no controlling the weather. There is no resistance to the way the weather is, there is only observation and acceptance.

Life is the same.

Acceptance is being open to the actual feelings you’re having in the moment-to-moment experience of life and being willing to just feel that. Whatever it is, be it anger, happiness, fear, jealousy, anxiety, or joy—accept it.

You can learn to simply be with your experience, or you can try to control the experience. Trying to control it is the opposite of acceptance. Anytime you’re trying to manipulate your inner experience, you’re doing the opposite of accepting it. Reactivity prevents you from being able to respond skillfully.

Acceptance is a form of responding instead of reacting. Resignation on the other hand would be an example of reacting. To be free of reactivity is to accept whatever life throws at you. So simple yet so difficult.

Acceptance is also not disengagement. It is not saying: “It is what it is and I’m not going to do anything about it.” Rather, it’s: “This is the situation I’m in. Now what am I going to do about it.”

Moreover, it’s not passive. There are difficult situations that will make you upset, angry, or fearful and thus motivate you to respond. Outrage can absolutely accomplish something positive, but it is not a requirement.

Changes in the world do not happen just because you feel upset or angry. They come out of the right actions you do to bring positive change.

Acceptance doesn’t mean you won’t feel bad about your suffering, someone else’s suffering, or even moral outrage at some egregious wrong in the world. All the difficult feelings such as outrage, fear, anger, and worry will still arise. However, to let them arise and pass without clinging is acceptance.

Taking positive action without dwelling on the difficulty can relieve the suffering that comes from rumination and catastrophizing. 

Let it BE

Although acceptance closely relates to the idea of surrender (Isvara Pranidhana) or non-attachment (varaigya) in yoga, it really emphasizes letting things BE.

There is no defeat or clinging to results with acceptance. The underlying practice of acceptance is to develop the courage to be at peace with all conditions, both what is going right and what is going wrong in your life and in the world. This will bring you freedom from reactivity.

Ironically, acceptance includes accepting the fact that you might not be accepting something. It sounds contradictory but you must have acceptance for your own difficulty accepting something.

There are times in everyone’s life, where numerous things have gone awry or something is so agonizingly painful, that you’ve been unable to fully accept the situation. The practice of acceptance must also include the practice of accepting your own lack of acceptance.

If you are angry, you must accept that you are angry. It is then a matter of how you want to relate to your anger and work with your words and actions.

To convert your lack of acceptance, it means sitting still with whatever you are having difficulty in accepting, begin to understand it and decide what you might need to let go of. This will allow you to make peace with something that is difficult to bear.

Meditation

By sitting in meditation, you learn to observe your thoughts, like observing clouds pass in the sky.

You’re not trying to control the experience, just accepting, and observing whatever is present. Maybe there’s anxiety or joy. Maybe there’s lots of thinking. Maybe there’s an ache in your back or the sound of a siren.

Acceptance is what you become present to in that moment-to-moment experience of observation. It’s exactly what happens before you choose to act.

Meditation practice is a practice of acceptance and acceptance is what allows you to act skillfully.

At its most basic, meditation essentially is the practice of acceptance.

Self-Acceptance

Acceptance can be a gateway to compassion for oneself and for others.

Developing the skills of self-compassion means embracing your strengths and weaknesses, past mistakes and accomplishments, quirks, and imperfections, without self-deprecation. Doing this for yourself makes you more willing to accept others for who they are with all their unique qualities and differences. This only strengthens your relationships.

Self-compassion practice means being mindful of your emotions, which allows you to be present with what you're experiencing with an attitude of acceptance and patience. The sense of common humanity in self-compassion fosters acceptance by reminding us that painful emotions are part of life.

Kindness brings warmth to your experience. This means that in addition to hurting, you feel care and compassion for your pain, making it easier to bear.

One of the easiest ways to practice self-compassion is to ask yourself what a friend would say to you in this moment of difficulty or what would you say to a friend dealing with a similar situation? Your ability to know and accept your whole self, to be real rather than trying to be perfect, is a firmer foundation for a happier life at any age.

The Truth of Impermanence

In the end, acceptance is a powerful tool for personal growth, healthier relationships, and a more balanced and resilient life. It’s a continuous journey and a valuable skill.

Acceptance invites us to grapple with the transient nature of reality. All things inevitably change. This too shall pass. This is how it is right now. It won’t be like this forever. Nothing ever is.

Remembering this is to experience greater inner peace, reduced stress, and improved well-being. 

Looking to learn more about how acceptance can help you with your well-being? Reach me at sharyn@truenorthwell.com. I’m glad to help you.