How to Cultivate Joy
“He who binds to himself a joy
Does the winged life destroy;
But he who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in eternity's sunrise.”
― William Blake
Joy is a quality that makes life worth living. It is fundamental to human existence and well-being.
When I think of joy, I think of the feeling I get when I pick up my son from college. I feel a sudden burst of happiness.
I know that the more opportunities I have to feel joy and the more I am open to receiving them, the higher the level of happiness will be in my life.
According to Brené Brown, joy is sudden, unexpected, short-lasting, and high-intensity. Joy expands our thinking and attention and fills us with a sense of freedom and abandonment.
Thus, joy is an intense feeling of deep spiritual connection, pleasure, and appreciation. Joy implies that we are asked to join in something larger than ourselves.
Happiness, on the other hand, is stable, longer lasting, lower in intensity than joy, and has a sense of being in control. We need happy moments and happiness, but the pursuit of them may get in the way of deeper feelings of joy and gratitude.
Joy creates perspective whereas happiness can strain it. Joy facilitates happiness; however, happiness does not necessarily facilitate joy.
People that radiate joy are kind, compassionate, strong, and warm. They delight in your successes and their own. They are grateful for all that life brings. They are committed to family, a community, a faith, or a cause.
Their lives are not perfect, yet they show up differently because joy for them is a way of being, an outlook, not just a fleeting feeling.
Thus, joy can be a singular event or transient state, interrupting our mundane existence with a hint of a larger purpose. Moreover, joy can be a disposition that we humans can cultivate.
What kindles joy within is unique to you but it is ultimately a rediscovery of who you are and what makes you happy.
As T.S. Eliot said, “We shall not cease from exploration; And the end of all our exploring; Will be to arrive where we started; And know the place for the first time.”
You do not have to create joy; it is an innate quality already within you. Joy becomes a byproduct of living a lifestyle that is in alignment with your integrity and values. So how do you begin to cultivate a pathway to more joy?
Look for the Good
We humans have been blessed with a negativity bias. In order to survive, we have had to watch out for any threats. Our capacity to weigh negative input so heavily kept us out of harm's way.
However, your brain doesn’t just go looking for what’s negative; it’s built to grab that information and never let go.
Yes, we can notice and remember positive experiences, but the negative generally trumps the positive. Plus, your own personal experience shapes your view of the world, yourself, your personality, and your approach to life. (In the extreme, such as with a serious history of trauma or depression, the hippocampus can actually shrink 10-20%, impairing the brain’s capacity to remember positive experiences.)
All that can lead to more of the negative showing up on your radar. But all is not lost, you can help emphasize and store positive experiences through conscious attention. According to psychologist Dr. Rick Hanson, you can:
1.) Help positive events become positive experiences
How often do you let good events roll by without noticing them? Given the prevalence of the negative, you must consciously pay attention to the good.
Perhaps, you can start by setting a goal to look for beauty or signs of caring for yourself by others or good qualities within yourself. Let yourself feel pleasure rather than feel guilty about enjoying life and tune into the emotional and physical sensations of the positive experience.
You might need to do things that deliberately create positive experiences like doing something nice for someone or bringing to mind a fond memory.
2.) Extend the experience. Keep your attention on it so it lingers.
Slow down. Don’t just jump onto something else, rather stay with positive sensations and relish it. Notice any discomfort by staying with feeling good.
3.) Internalize it: Focus on what’s rewarding about it.
Here’s where you sense it soaking into your brain and body. Let it register deeply into emotional memory. The more you do this the more you can find your way back to them in the future. In this way, you can more readily tap into well-being.
As the Buddha said, “Whatever one thinks and ponders upon, thus the mind inclines.”
As you focus on positive experiences, value them, and let them sink in, you begin to incline the mind towards joy. Modern neuroscience has corroborated this: Through repetition, you strengthen positive neural pathways in the brain.
By frequently inclining the mind toward thoughts associated with greater well-being, you begin to shift your habitual thinking. And the shift becomes deeper still when you act on those thoughts and impulses.
By focusing on the good you are more open to receiving joy.
Practice Gratitude
Gratitude is the way to move out of the negative and our uncanny ability to ruin our own joy.
It’s important to adopt tangible practices of gratitude. The easiest way to do this is to start a gratitude journal. Whether it’s once a day or once a week, write down three things you are grateful for and notice the effect it has over time.
If you don’t like writing, you can reflect on it or share it with a gratitude partner. Perhaps acknowledge when you have an ungrateful thought and immediately replace it with a grateful one.
It’s even more powerful to express gratitude, be it face-to-face or in a written letter. When you tell someone how grateful you are for them in your life and why it not only helps them but helps to bolster your own sense of self-worth.
The more aware you are of the value of family and friends, the less likely you are to fall into a “comparing mind.” Feeling such a positive emotion is incompatible with feeling negative emotion.
When you focus on the good, the things you do have, you are more open to receiving joy instead of immediately foreboding it with negative thoughts. With a daily gratitude practice, you will be more resilient when difficult things do arise.
Do Things That Open You up to Joy
It sounds so simple, but if you want to feel joyful, do the things that evoke feelings of joy. And do them often.
They could be simple things like going for a run, reading a book, enjoying a cup of tea, listening to music, or having a chat with a friend. Perhaps it’s about doing creative things, such as writing, painting, cooking, gardening, or playing an instrument.
It’s not about ability, it’s only about enjoyment. Work-related things can also bring joy. There is joy in creating new projects, collaborating with inspiring people, and in the sense of accomplishment.
Moreover, new adventures and new experiences can be exciting and joyful.
Connect with Nature: Take an Awe Walk
Getting into nature forces you to look closely, to notice, to be aware, and to feel awe. This act alone can reduce anxiety and stress and give you a deep sense of simple and pure joy.
Awe is not an easy emotion to explain. It is like standing at the edge of the Grand Canyon. That feeling you get in the presence of something so vast that it really challenges your understanding of the world.
It is a feeling of wonder and amazement. The sense of connection to others and to something bigger than you. It doesn’t have to be as big as the Grand Canyon, it can be with something minuscule, such as the black spots on a ladybug or a scent, a taste, or sound. It just gives you pause, and you simply slow down.
Perhaps take a five-minute walk outside each day where you intentionally shift your focus to small details of the world around you. Look for the crack in the sidewalk, the grasshopper, the age-old tree.
Practice looking for things that are unexpected, hard to explain, and delightful. This feeling widens your perspective and puts the self in its balanced place. It moves you away from yourself and your problems and towards a focus on natural joy.
You don’t have to stand at the edge of the Grand Canyon to experience the awe of nature.
Stop Comparing Yourself: Self Compassion & Appreciative Joy Practice
As Theodore Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” One of the reasons we tend to lean away from joy instead of leaning into it is that we struggle with our own worthiness--whether we deserve joy.
Yet, life is meant to be enjoyed. The first place to start is with self-acceptance. That you are enough as you are.
You may need to remind yourself of this on a daily basis. When things get dicey, the practice of self-compassion can foster this sense of acceptance and kindness.
The practice means opening yourself up to being with any emotion. First bring mindfulness to what’s happening so you are not identified with the emotion at hand.
Secondly, you must remember nothing is wrong with you, that this is part of being human. Everyone experiences strong emotions. Everyone experiences failure.
Lastly, can you meet the feelings and situations with kindness rather than self-criticism? What would you say to a good friend in a similar situation? Every human is worthy and can feel joy.
Another practice, Appreciative Joy, can help with comparing yourself with others. This practice allows you to feel joy for another’s joy. You can be happy for other people's successes without belittling your own.
You feel joyous inside because you can’t feel envy and happiness at the same time. You can use phrases like: May your happiness and good fortune never leave you. May your happiness and good fortune grow and grow. I am happy for you!
Social media is a great place for practice. Next time you see someone posting their good fortune, wish them well and witness how that feels. You may find with this practice, your friendships get stronger, and you begin to truly feel your own worthiness.
Purpose and Meaning
Purpose requires you to be clear about your core values and deeper motivations and be able to apply them in your daily life.
Everyone has a unique passion that makes life feel meaningful. What brings meaning in your life is unique and personal. This might mean showing up for your family, building a better community, or having a hobby, like writing or playing music.
More importantly, it might be performing acts of service. You have something to offer, a gift brought into this world to share with others.
Joy is often a side effect of what can happen when you are in the service of something greater than yourself. When you practice your passion regularly, you create a life of purpose and joy.
Connection with Others
Connection is not just about promoting supportive relationships and supportive interactions but also a feeling of care and kinship toward other people.
Nonetheless, you are constantly influenced by family, friends, community, social media, etc. You are especially influenced by those closest to you.
It’s important to look at with whom you spend your time. Some people can suck out your energy, while others light you up. Be mindful of who inspires, motivates, and empowers you. Who’s got your back? Who makes you laugh? With whom are you truly authentic? What you pay attention to grows.
As you plant the seeds of cultivating more joy, the people that support this will also show up. Joy is contagious.
Choosing Joy Takes Courage
You can create a life that feels joyful. But it takes work. It means waking up each day with the intention of choosing joy.
It matters how and to what you pay attention to. As you begin to reinforce those neural pathways, your brain will start to use positive emotions more and be inclined towards joy.
Although difficulties come, the same tools that train your mind toward joy, are also the ones that give you the strength and skills needed to deal with difficulties and emotional pain.
If you do lose your joy, something horrible happens and overwhelms you, but there’s still joy in knowing you can get it back. Remember joy comes from within and is always abiding and available. It is an innate part of who you are.
Albert Camus describes it well: “ In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.
For support in cultivating joy, please reach me at sharyn@truenorthwell.com. I’ll be glad to help you.