How to work with the inner critic: Blow her a kiss…
You are your own worst inner critic. It’s an old cliché but frighteningly true.
We all have an inner voice expressing criticism, disappointment, frustration, disapproval, or darn right self-flagellation about our actions.
The actual self-talk is different for everyone in its word choice, frequency, intensity, and tone of voice. It might sound like, “You should,” or “Why didn’t you?” or “What’s wrong with you?” or “What were you thinking?” or “You could have done better.” It might not even use words, as it frowns upon you.
Somehow it seems normal to believe that you must be hard on yourself to motivate behavior change or perhaps to keep yourself in line. Yet those nagging thoughts that tell you that you are not good enough unjustly cast doubt upon your goals and undermine your accomplishments.
Persistent negative self-talk ruins creativity and productivity. It can keep you stuck in shame, anxiety, avoidance, rumination, and depression.
It’s not what you say out of your mouth that determines your life;
It’s what you whisper to yourself that has the most power.– Robert T. Kiyosaki
Understand the role of negativity bias on humans
From an evolutionary standpoint, we humans have been blessed with a negativity bias. To survive, we have had to watch out for any threats. Our capacity to weigh negative input so heavily kept us out of harm's way.
Yet a brain that is super sensitive to negativity means that we've evolved to give more weight to our flaws, mistakes, and shortcomings than our successes.
Your brain is designed to monitor your mind and behavior so that you can notice mistakes and recover quickly. Whether you've overeaten or acted outside your moral code, your brain is there to learn the suitable lessons and course corrections.
That's all well and good until you find yourself needlessly replaying that awkward interaction or ruminating over a minor mistake. This is when it becomes counterproductive.
The negative effects of Inner Critic
Some people may have used critical comments to get you to act in a particular way. And you may also be using judgmental thoughts to convince yourself to act differently or to cope with fear, shame, and uncertainty.
It’s counterintuitive, but it doesn’t work well. Blaming yourself for not doing everything on your “to-do” list makes you less likely to finish the rest!
Negative self-talk is anxiety-provoking and shaming, which leads you to want to do whatever you can to reduce anxiety and stay safe. This might show up as avoidance, procrastination, or addictive behaviors.
Some of the usual responses are drinking, overeating, binge-watching Netflix, or even avoiding the person or activity associated with the criticism or shame.
These feelings often lead to disconnection and can cause you to withdraw and isolate rather than do the things that lead to comfort, connection, and motivation.
Beating yourself for not getting everything done may lead to you being even less productive.
Beating yourself up for not getting everything done may actually lead to you being even less productive.
Steps to work with your inner critic
Step 1: Be aware of your inner critic
Awareness is the first step to recognizing and working with your inner critic.
Many of us don't even realize its presence. It can be so pervasive that it's almost like a dull hum going on in the background.
Catch yourself the next time you're aware of feeling anxious, irritated, distracted, or numb. See if you can identify the inner critic's voice and the situation that may have triggered the inner critic.
Notice what it feels like physically. Where in the body do you feel sensation or discomfort? Our bodies are wise. They know what emotion you are feeling before your brain cognitively knows it.
Is the inner critic there to help you to feel in control?
Is there an underlying fear behind the words of the critic?
Where do you feel vulnerable?
What is it trying to protect you from?
Stay curious. As you start to pay attention to that voice, you may be surprised at how cruel and harmful it can be, not to mention how often it shows up.
Building the awareness muscle is crucial in working with inner critic chatter.
Step 2: Personify your inner critic and step outside yourself
The second step is to create some distance from the voice in your head.
Think of your inner critic in the third person. I believe it’s best to personify the inner critic. Name it. By identifying its voice and characteristics and putting a name to it, you create a character separate from yourself.
It is not who you are but rather someone you are living with. This helps to put an accurate distance between you as a person and your thoughts. It’s a reminder of one of my favorite sayings, “Don’t believe everything you think.” What would life be like without that thought?
I call my inner critic Blanche. This invokes a bit of humor, as the name itself brings a smile to my face. I look at her and give her a wink and say:
“Hello, Blanche, nice to see you. I appreciate your opinion. Thanks for trying to keep me safe, but I’ve got a presentation to do right now. You can talk to me later, as I’m sure you’ll do. But for now, please sit in the back of the room and stay quiet.”
Sometimes if she is really loud, I ask her to speak to the manager. In a sense, I am also creating boundaries with her. By doing this, she has less power over me, which means I am taking back my control.
Otherwise, she’ll stop me from doing what I really want to do and send me down a path countering my intentions.
Step 3: Befriend your inner voice
Take the next step and invite her for tea, but not run off the house.
This is when you truly accept that she’ll never leave you but that you must live together harmoniously. You don’t try to push her away or get rid of her because she’ll just come back stronger. What we resist, it persists.
Instead, remain curious and ask her:
Why are you showing up today?
What’s going on? Let’s talk this out.
Is this an old narrative from when you were 8 years old that no longer serves you today?
It’s time to thwart self-sabotage and remember that you are worthy and capable.
Step 4: Practice Self-compassion and accept your inner critic
The biggest paradox is that to change, you must accept yourself as you are right now.
The way to do so is to practice self-compassion: being kind and understanding to yourself when confronted with a personal flaw or failure. Self-compassion actually supports motivation, positive change, and greater achievement.
When you open yourself up to being with any emotion, be it pleasant or unpleasant, you are practicing acceptance.
First, bring mindfulness to what’s happening, so you are not identified with the emotion at hand. Here you are flexing the awareness muscle. You can be aware, but how do you want to relate to the situation?
Secondly, you must remember that nothing is wrong with you. This is part of being human. Everyone experiences strong emotions. Everyone experiences failure.
Lastly, can you meet the feelings and situations with kindness rather than self-criticism? What would you say to a good friend in a similar situation? In a sense, kill her with kindness.
When she says, “You’re worthless and lazy,” You say, “I’m doing my best. Everyone messes up sometimes.” This is not deluding yourself in any way. It’s tuning into what you value and being aware of who you are, for better or worse.
You have developed leeway in how you respond. This takes practice.
Be kind to yourself
As you begin to meet your criticism with kindness, it’s important to make a deliberate effort to recognize how you feel when caught up in self-criticism and how you feel when you let go of it.
When you can tune into how the body feels, it’s obvious how much better it feels to be kind to yourself. Here you can hack into your natural rewards-based learning system.
You’ll naturally go towards a more pleasurable experience. It feels much better to take a deep breath, put a hand over your heart, or go to a good friend instead of scolding yourself.
The key is to practice what it feels like to treat yourself as you might treat a friend.
Make a habit of thinking about how you would talk to a friend in this moment of difficulty. As you do it over and over and over again, it will become more natural, and you will remember to invoke kindness instead of reproach. Who could you be without that thought?
Inner guidance instead of inner criticism will allow you to truly thrive.
Embrace your inner critic
In the end, it’s important to realize that you are not the enemy.
By embracing the inner critic, you are embracing all of who you are—the good, the bad, and the ugly. The radical shift from judgment to kindness changes your inner world and opens you up to enjoy all aspects of life.
In effect, you can transform the inner critic into an inner coach. In the end, you can learn to spot your critic.
And every time she shows up--blow her a kiss.
Having troubles dealing with your inner critic? We’ll be glad to help you learn how to work with your inner voice. Check which Wellness Coaching plan suits you best.
Don’t know where to start? Email me: sharyn@truenorthwell.com or book a call with me.
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